I feel frustrated.
I feel broken.
I feel damaged.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel exhausted.
Above all, I feel hope!
Hopeful that life no longer has to be like this for me and it doesn't have to be like this for you either. I'm hopeful that living our lives without fear is starting to outweigh all of the frustrations, brokenness, damaging parts and the overwhelming sense that life brings to us.
For the first time there is a hope in a freedom from the anxiety that I feel has caused so much pain and suffering in my life. While there will never be a way to escape this about ourselves-we might as well embrace it my friends-we can learn to live with it. We do not have to make our lives about fighting something that is part of us. Notice that wonderful word 'part' the meant it doesn't define who we are as a whole. It's just a fragment of who we are.
The past seven years I have let my anxiety control so many aspects of my life to where I only leave the house for work or with my partner, for one friend (because most of my friendships have been ruined by my seclusion that I bring upon myself), I avoid as many social settings as possible-even shopping is hard for me.
However, last night, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and went to a get together honoring the life of a pretty special friend to this group and a friend of my boyfriends. My boyfriend knew more of these people-I only knew him and the one hosting the gathering. For me to show up at something like this, is really unheard of. I just do not do this. It terrifies me to be in a crowd like I was last night. Or, should I say it did terrify me. Typically, in events such as this you will find me in a corner by myself playing with the dog or clinging to my boyfriends arm desperately hoping that he can tell I want to leave, like NOW.
Instead, last night, for whatever reason, this all just changed. There were times, I didn't even know where he was, I think I talked to ever single person there one-on-one, feel like I made some new friends, but one thing will never change about me-I still played with the dogs!
I realized in watching as everyone who knew this young man celebrate not only his life but their lives as friends, of being together, of taking that time to stop and just have a "good time". Something I do not know much about-a good time for me, involves a book, my pjs and the couch, Netflix and online shopping.
Instead of reaching for that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, I chose to reach for hope. I want to embrace life and have experiences that I cannot have if I am shutting down and shutting others out.. I'm choosing to be open and honest about this because so many of you have expressed how you suffer as well. I want you to have hope as well.
We will overcome this!
We start by fessing up that everything we have tried hasn't worked for us.
Secondly we have to admit that we cannot keep running away, avoiding our "triggers" situations, having "THOSE" thoughts, distracting ourselves, trying to change who we are, never getting out of of our comfort zone and medicating ourselves because in the end they are only a temporary fix for a life long problem.
----This is not a suggestion to stop any medications prescribed by your doctor for anxiety. Never make a medication change without speaking with your health care professional.--
For me, I have accepted I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life-while over all they do not solve my problems, they do help me to not have random attacks anymore and I do get sleep now but I still have fears and they are irrational. One example, seven years ago, you could have found me in 6 inch heels walking across a parking lot for work-my irrational fears have lead me to only pick shoes that I have less of a chance of falling in. Yes, you read that correctly, I do not wear heels any longer because I am terrified of falling down. Nor do I ride a bike, because what if I crash. I could go on about things that I do not do based on fears but it's time to move past all those fears and accept that it's time to start living.
In closing, the thing that I learned through a death of another was there is a life that I am not living and until I embrace the anxiety that is part of me I will not get to live that life-MY LIFE-to the fullest. I have a long road ahead but I'm excited because for the first time in a long time, hope out weighs all other negative feelings.
