Jan 20, 2014 7:30 pm
I realized that I place a huge amount of importance on food.
I’ve already admitted to being a “food addict” and yet I’ve done very little to
overcome the addiction. I don’t believe there is a “detox program” or “rehab”
for this type of addiction-at least not locally.
I am aware of my feelings when I eat: happy, sad, angry, natural,
and any other feeling I have you can catch me eating. So, I don’t consider myself as one of those “Eating
my feelings” types of people.
However if you consider:
~I am bored. Let’s eat.
“Using out of boredom” Check.
~Its 9:00 am / 11:00 am / 4:30 pm / 6:00 pm. Let’s eat. “Using
out of habit” Check.
~I see food. Let’s eat. “Using on impulse” Check.
~I’m not really hungry
but there’s some left… Let’s eat. “Using without self-control” Check.
Yep, I do believe that you can consider me an addict.
Me: Hello my name is
Nikki and I’m a food addict.
Fellow food addicts say: Hi,
Nikki.
So, I’ve admitted it…more than once.
I’ve jumped on some type of band wagon way more times than I
care to even try to count to do something about it and now I’m trying to climb
myself back onto the wagon-except I’m really out of shape so it’s slightly
difficult and I’m having a hard time breathing.
(must get more physical activity in my life)
On Sunday, the pastor at my church made a point “If you aren’t
sacrificing something for God then you can’t know real joy.” I’m not sure why
that hit home tonight with me and in regards to my love affair with food. Maybe
because I was sitting down with half a pizza and a 2 liter drink instead of
doing my Bible study. No matter the
reason, it hit and it made me stop with that last slice and put the rest away
and really think about my actions.
I think about food all the time. It’s consuming every waking
thought. Once I eat a meal I think about what my snack will be, after that
snack I think of the next meal and so on. In a church service, I think about
the lunch that we will be getting after church. At work I think about what
lunch/dinner I’ll be getting. I think about what snacks are in the vending
machine. On Thursdays…I think about what restaurants we will eat at over the
weekend. Thus the cycle repeats! Consuming my thoughts and myself-I am a slave
to something that I’ve not had an ounce of will power over for more than a few
hours at a time.
Tonight, I give up this addiction and start it by doing a 24
hour fast. Coming from the faith I have I do not feel right by submitting this
blog until the 24 hours are actually up. We shouldn’t fast for others to see-we
should do it in privacy and rely on God to get us through the difficult time
and be our source of strength when the dang Payday will not stop calling our
name a block from our house at the gas station or from the vending machine that
takes almost 75 steps to get to at work. I admit to myself that I cannot do this alone
and will need help from Him. Here goes!
January 21, 2014
- 7:30am 12 hours in.
I’ve got this! I
managed 12 hours. So what if I was sleeping. It gives me a good start. Jokes
aside, in doing this-I will go 7:30 pm (1/20/14) to 7:30 pm (1/21/14) as the
actual “FAST” at 7:30 pm ends on 1/21/14-I will allow myself to eat a light
meal. (and you can bet I’ll be eating!)
- 11:30am 16 hours in
Not too bad. Didn’t allow myself to leave the house until
15min until I had to be at work-no time to stop and get breakfast and as soon
as I walked into work I went straight to my office and turned on my computer
and loaded up the emails-distraction until they put up the food from breakfast.
11:30 am is my normal lunch hour. I plan on working through it until 12:30 pm.
I’ve downed two bottles of water to help keep the hunger pains from taking over
during times that I normally eat. In all reality-I’m not that hungry.
- 12:30 pm 17 hours in
Taking my lunch-will leave the building to keep from being
tempted and will leave my wallet in the office locked away to keep from being
tempted to go get that Payday!
- 2:30 pm 19 hours in
Shaking, cold sweats, nausea, head ache, dizzy, light
headed, mood swings, irritable, fidgety, on edge, difficulty concentrating,
anxious, having difficulty thinking straight or clear thoughts….you might be
going through with drawls.
- 3:30 pm 20 hours in
Temptation to “use” is so strong…I’m staring at my wallet
because I know in there are dollar bills and quarters. I made sure to start
having plenty of quarters so I could get the Paydays they put in there-and
there are Paydays in there-I know it. I saw them yesterday. The white wrapper
and blue lettering look as if they are beckoning me from the cafeteria.
I will not use, I
will not use, I will not use….
Keep busy. Praying for strength. This hard and I really want
to give in. No one will really know nor would anyone really truly care if I
just go in there and get a bag of chips, candy bar and to not be too bad I’ll
top it off with a Dt. Dr. Pepper…but don’t do it. Remember you’re sacrificing.
You made this goal. Don’t break it! You can do this! You will do this!
Lord you are my Sheppard, I shall not want….keep me from the
temptation....
I am hungry. I can do this. Only 4 more hours to go. I am
REALLY getting antsy.
- 5:30 pm 22 hours in
I swear I keep smelling food come in through the vents
tempting me. I won’t give him. Shared with the main “sharing person” in my life
and told them what I was trying to do-I shared this for support and only until
I felt like I was going to give in at the last min. I needed them to pray too.
I needed them to support me, to encourage.
It helped to have that person in my corner and to know they
were praying and proud of me for doing this.
Only 1.5 hours to go. I won’t give in on that last little
bit of time. Come too far!!!
- 7:30 pm 24 hours
COMPLETED!!!!!!!!
Where is the food?!?!? You might be
surprised to know that I do not have a Payday on hand to eat right at 7:30.
That would defeat the purpose of this experience. This was to help me discipline
myself and really try to persevere through this. It was a trial to see if I
could overcome a 24 hour fast of food addiction.
Do I think I’m cured? Ummm, no. Far from it. But-I am proud
of myself. I set this goal to accomplish it and I’ve done it. I feel empowered
and closer to God because while I was tempted I had to pray. 24 hours may not
seem like a long time for someone especially when 8 of those hours are spent
sleeping but when you are someone who thinks about food every waking minuet….it’s
a long time!
A few thoughts that came over my mind:
This will be the first big goal that I’ve set for myself in
about three years & I accomplished it.
I think way too much about candy bars.
This was only 24 hours-how do children who are unable to get
food for much longer time survive? And how freaking selfish am I to consistently
think about food when there are people who couldn’t tell me the last time they
had a bite to eat much less when their last warm meal was. This bothers me- more than anything. I’ve
taken a “gift” that God provides for me and made it pretty much top priority in
my life. I’ve not went out of my way to make sure that others who are less
fortunate have something. If this is the only lesson I learn from this…then so
be it. But this has most defiantly changed my mind and I will start doing
whatever I can to help others get food to eat.
I need way more discipline and I need to push myself
more. This was a true test that I can
really do this. I’ve made it my goal from this point forward, every 7 days to
fast and not only discipline myself but to focus on the needs of others. If one day of this has softened my heart-I can’t
wait to find out what more days will do.
I will do this at different times next time-say… 4:30pm to
4:30pm. Waiting this late in the night is really making me weak and I know
there is no way that I can go and actually work out, I could hardly undo my
name badge clip due to shaking hands. Another thing that breaks my heart…those
children who aren’t getting food have probably walked several miles today in
search of food and water-I couldn’t do that right now.
It’s probably a good idea to let a “main person” in your
life know what you are doing-in case you do get sick they won’t haul you off to
the ER. If you’re a diabetic…don’t do it or if you have a medical condition,
don’t do it.
Maybe this will inspire someone to try this and maybe it
will cause you to reflect about areas in your life that you have been blind to.
I’m going to go eat my “light meal” now…and no I’m not messing it up by eating
a candy bar.
