Addiction...

Jan 20, 2014 7:30 pm

I realized that I place a huge amount of importance on food. I’ve already admitted to being a “food addict” and yet I’ve done very little to overcome the addiction. I don’t believe there is a “detox program” or “rehab” for this type of addiction-at least not locally.  

I am aware of my feelings when I eat: happy, sad, angry, natural, and any other feeling I have you can catch me eating.  So, I don’t consider myself as one of those “Eating my feelings” types of people.

However if you consider:

~I am bored.  Let’s eat.  “Using out of boredom” Check.

~Its 9:00 am / 11:00 am / 4:30 pm / 6:00 pm. Let’s eat. “Using out of habit” Check.

~I see food. Let’s eat. “Using on impulse” Check.

~I’m not really hungry but there’s some left… Let’s eat. “Using without self-control” Check.

Yep, I do believe that you can consider me an addict.

Me: Hello my name is Nikki and I’m a food addict.

Fellow food addicts say: Hi, Nikki.

So, I’ve admitted it…more than once.

I’ve jumped on some type of band wagon way more times than I care to even try to count to do something about it and now I’m trying to climb myself back onto the wagon-except I’m really out of shape so it’s slightly difficult and I’m having a hard time breathing.

(must get more physical activity in my life)

On Sunday, the pastor at my church made a point “If you aren’t sacrificing something for God then you can’t know real joy.” I’m not sure why that hit home tonight with me and in regards to my love affair with food. Maybe because I was sitting down with half a pizza and a 2 liter drink instead of doing my Bible study.  No matter the reason, it hit and it made me stop with that last slice and put the rest away and really think about my actions.

I think about food all the time. It’s consuming every waking thought. Once I eat a meal I think about what my snack will be, after that snack I think of the next meal and so on. In a church service, I think about the lunch that we will be getting after church. At work I think about what lunch/dinner I’ll be getting. I think about what snacks are in the vending machine. On Thursdays…I think about what restaurants we will eat at over the weekend.  Thus the cycle repeats!  Consuming my thoughts and myself-I am a slave to something that I’ve not had an ounce of will power over for more than a few hours at a time.

Tonight, I give up this addiction and start it by doing a 24 hour fast. Coming from the faith I have I do not feel right by submitting this blog until the 24 hours are actually up. We shouldn’t fast for others to see-we should do it in privacy and rely on God to get us through the difficult time and be our source of strength when the dang Payday will not stop calling our name a block from our house at the gas station or from the vending machine that takes almost 75 steps to get to at work.  I admit to myself that I cannot do this alone and will need help from Him. Here goes!

January 21, 2014

• 7:30am 12 hours in.

I’ve got this! I managed 12 hours. So what if I was sleeping. It gives me a good start. Jokes aside, in doing this-I will go 7:30 pm (1/20/14) to 7:30 pm (1/21/14) as the actual “FAST” at 7:30 pm ends on 1/21/14-I will allow myself to eat a light meal.  (and you can bet I’ll be eating!)

• 11:30am 16 hours in

Not too bad. Didn’t allow myself to leave the house until 15min until I had to be at work-no time to stop and get breakfast and as soon as I walked into work I went straight to my office and turned on my computer and loaded up the emails-distraction until they put up the food from breakfast. 11:30 am is my normal lunch hour. I plan on working through it until 12:30 pm. I’ve downed two bottles of water to help keep the hunger pains from taking over during times that I normally eat. In all reality-I’m not that hungry.  

•                 12:30 pm 17 hours in

                 Taking my lunch-will leave the building to keep from being tempted and will leave my wallet in the office locked away to keep from being tempted to go get that Payday! 

• 2:30 pm 19 hours in

Shaking, cold sweats, nausea, head ache, dizzy, light headed, mood swings, irritable, fidgety, on edge, difficulty concentrating, anxious, having difficulty thinking straight or clear thoughts….you might be going through with drawls.

•                 3:30 pm 20 hours in

               Temptation to “use” is so strong…I’m staring at my wallet because I know in there are dollar bills and quarters. I made sure to start having plenty of quarters so I could get the Paydays they put in there-and there are Paydays in there-I know it. I saw them yesterday. The white wrapper and blue lettering look as if they are beckoning me from the cafeteria.

             I will not use, I will not use, I will not use….

             Keep busy. Praying for strength. This hard and I really want to give in. No one will really know nor would anyone really truly care if I just go in there and get a bag of chips, candy bar and to not be too bad I’ll top it off with a Dt. Dr. Pepper…but don’t do it. Remember you’re sacrificing. You made this goal. Don’t break it! You can do this! You will do this!

           Lord you are my Sheppard, I shall not want….keep me from the temptation....

           I am hungry. I can do this. Only 4 more hours to go. I am REALLY getting antsy.  

•            5:30 pm 22 hours in

          I swear I keep smelling food come in through the vents tempting me. I won’t give him. Shared with the main “sharing person” in my life and told them what I was trying to do-I shared this for support and only until I felt like I was going to give in at the last min. I needed them to pray too. I needed them to support me, to encourage.

        It helped to have that person in my corner and to know they were praying and proud of me for doing this.  

       Only 1.5 hours to go. I won’t give in on that last little bit of time. Come too far!!!

• 7:30 pm 24 hours

        COMPLETED!!!!!!!!

     Where is the food?!?!? You might be surprised to know that I do not have a Payday on hand to eat right at 7:30. That would defeat the purpose of this experience. This was to help me discipline myself and really try to persevere through this. It was a trial to see if I could overcome a 24 hour fast of food addiction.

    Do I think I’m cured? Ummm, no. Far from it. But-I am proud of myself. I set this goal to accomplish it and I’ve done it. I feel empowered and closer to God because while I was tempted I had to pray. 24 hours may not seem like a long time for someone especially when 8 of those hours are spent sleeping but when you are someone who thinks about food every waking minuet….it’s a long time!

A few thoughts that came over my mind:

This will be the first big goal that I’ve set for myself in about three years & I accomplished it.

I think way too much about candy bars.

This was only 24 hours-how do children who are unable to get food for much longer time survive? And how freaking selfish am I to consistently think about food when there are people who couldn’t tell me the last time they had a bite to eat much less when their last warm meal was.  This bothers me- more than anything. I’ve taken a “gift” that God provides for me and made it pretty much top priority in my life. I’ve not went out of my way to make sure that others who are less fortunate have something. If this is the only lesson I learn from this…then so be it. But this has most defiantly changed my mind and I will start doing whatever I can to help others get food to eat.

I need way more discipline and I need to push myself more.  This was a true test that I can really do this. I’ve made it my goal from this point forward, every 7 days to fast and not only discipline myself but to focus on the needs of others.  If one day of this has softened my heart-I can’t wait to find out what more days will do.

I will do this at different times next time-say… 4:30pm to 4:30pm. Waiting this late in the night is really making me weak and I know there is no way that I can go and actually work out, I could hardly undo my name badge clip due to shaking hands. Another thing that breaks my heart…those children who aren’t getting food have probably walked several miles today in search of food and water-I couldn’t do that right now.

It’s probably a good idea to let a “main person” in your life know what you are doing-in case you do get sick they won’t haul you off to the ER. If you’re a diabetic…don’t do it or if you have a medical condition, don’t do it.

Maybe this will inspire someone to try this and maybe it will cause you to reflect about areas in your life that you have been blind to. I’m going to go eat my “light meal” now…and no I’m not messing it up by eating a candy bar.