How a Death Has Made Me Want to Live

I feel frustrated.
I feel broken.
I feel damaged.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel exhausted.

Above all, I feel hope!

Hopeful that life no longer has to be like this for me and it doesn't have to be like this for you either. I'm hopeful that living our lives without fear is starting to outweigh all of the frustrations, brokenness, damaging parts and the overwhelming sense that life brings to us.

For the first time there is a hope in a freedom from the anxiety that I feel has caused so much pain and suffering in my life. While there will never be a way to escape this about ourselves-we might as well embrace it my friends-we can learn to live with it. We do not have to make our lives about fighting something that is part of us. Notice that wonderful word 'part'  the meant it doesn't define who we are as a whole. It's just a fragment of who we are.

The past seven years I have let my anxiety control so many aspects of my life to where I only leave the house for work or with my partner, for one friend (because most of my friendships have been ruined by my seclusion that I bring upon myself), I avoid as many social settings as possible-even shopping is hard for me.

However, last night, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and went to a get together honoring the life of a pretty special friend to this group and a friend of my boyfriends. My boyfriend knew more of these people-I only knew him and the one hosting the gathering. For me to show up at something like this, is really unheard of. I just do not do this. It terrifies me to be in a crowd like I was last night. Or, should I say it did terrify me. Typically, in events such as this you will find me in a corner by myself playing with the dog or clinging to my boyfriends arm desperately hoping that he can tell I want to leave, like NOW.

Instead, last night, for whatever reason, this all just changed. There were times, I didn't even know where he was, I think I talked to ever single person there one-on-one, feel like I made some new friends, but one thing will never change about me-I still played with the dogs!

I realized in watching as everyone who knew this young man celebrate not only his life but their lives as friends, of being together, of taking that time to stop and just have a "good time".  Something I do not know much about-a good time for me, involves a book, my pjs and the couch, Netflix and online shopping.

Instead of reaching for that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, I chose to reach for hope. I want to embrace life and have experiences that I cannot have if I am shutting down and shutting others out.. I'm choosing to be open and honest about this because so many of you have expressed how you suffer as well. I want you to have hope as well.

We will overcome this!

We start by fessing up that everything we have tried hasn't worked for us.

Secondly we have to admit that we cannot keep running away, avoiding our "triggers" situations, having "THOSE" thoughts, distracting ourselves, trying to change who we are, never getting out of of our comfort zone and medicating ourselves because in the end they are only a temporary fix for a life long problem.

----This is not  a suggestion to stop any medications prescribed by your doctor for anxiety. Never make a medication change without speaking with your health care professional.--

For me, I have accepted I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life-while over all they do not solve my problems, they do help me to not have random attacks anymore and I do get sleep now but I still have fears and they are irrational. One example, seven years ago, you could have found me in 6 inch heels walking across a parking lot for work-my irrational fears have lead me to only pick shoes that I have less of a chance of falling in. Yes, you read that correctly, I do not wear heels any longer because I am terrified of falling down. Nor do I ride a bike, because what if I crash. I could go on about things that I do not do based on fears but it's time to move past all those fears and accept that it's time to start living.

In closing, the thing that I learned through a death of another was there is a life that I am not living and until I embrace the anxiety that is part of me I will not get to live that life-MY LIFE-to the fullest. I have a long road ahead but I'm excited because for the first time in a long time, hope out weighs all other negative feelings.

Crohnie & Work

I wasn't going to blog tonight but something pretty neat happened tonight at my second job...yes you read that correctly. I'm a six year "crohnie" AND have two jobs.

In case you're confused on what a "crohnie" is, it's someone with Crohns Disease & if you're confused on what Crohns Disease is...well ask anyone with it and each person will tell you something different but with a few things in common.

1. We are tired. Not just your normal, oh I stayed up too late watching a Mad Men marathon tired but I just had ten hours of sleep tired and need at least five more hours to feel normal (this often occurs for me, I come home on Friday go to bed and will not leave my bed until time for work on Monday mornings.)The levels of fatigue we feel is sometimes unbearable-so you have to learn to deal with our crankiness when we haven't gotten enough rest. But to be honest about myself, I'm the meanest one I've met with CD to date when I'm not feeling 100.

2. We live in CONSTANT pain. So pretty much when you come to us complaining about the shoulder pain, back pain, neck pain or any other pain...we want to scream at you and tell you  that you should be happy it's confined in one area instead of your whole body in constant pain from the time you wake up (an hour early just in case you aren't able to move a quickly as you would like) to the time you literally feel like you are pealing your clothing from your body to go to bed at night, only to have the weight of the covers fell like it's going to crush your body-it's not glamours. It's not sexy. It's not beautiful. It hurts. Simple task such as tying my shoes, cocking a gun, sharpening a pencil, airing a tire up-or using my hands at all are sometimes not an option. Some days I have to literally force them to move and type or write. The task to put pants on to lift one leg when it feels like it's going to break can sometimes cause tears. And you will most likely never find me in shoes that tie unless someone can tie them form me. Our bodies hurt. And not just one particular area it's from the tips of our toes to our hair-yes brushing our hair is sometimes painful, especially when you're a woman and on the medication that causes you to lose your hair. (Probably the worst time for me was when I realized that my hair was falling out.)

3. We use the bathroom-don't ask questions, sometimes we need to throw up other times...well.. Just stop your complaining over our time in there and be thankful that you can hold not only a meal down but all your nutrients from that meal.

4.Sometimes we don't want to eat...others times, we want to eat everything in sight. And while I'm on this topic...don't just assume because a person appears over weight & claims they have CD it's a false statement. A lot of the medications put on a signification amount of weight, over the course of six years I've gained 100lbs, (this is hard becuase I, at one time trained at a gym for two hours every day & the next thing I know I'm to weak to even pick up my dog) getting weight off is difficult when you're on & off of steroids. And yes...sometimes we sit down and devour steak like it's our last meal because our iron count is so low and most of us have anemia. We have a very found love affair with salt due to trying to get our bodies to balance electrolytes, PLEASE stop telling us how bad the sodium is for us.

5. We have a compromised immune system and when you fail to inform us that you have something that's possibly contagious...it personally pisses me off. I don't want to miss work because you have failed to inform me that you have a stomach virus, cold or anything else contagious. The stomach virus for you may last 24 hours, for us...we can end up in the hospital with IV bags-alert us that you're sick and stay away; because if you have it and it's contagious, we WILL get it. We pretty much run a steady fever -so keep us informed if there is something we need to know & buy us GermX-we love that stuff!

6. And one last thing...we aren't going to break & we are far from weak! I have an amazing specialist who I think makes everyone one of her patients feel that they can conquer anything if they set their mind to it. My last visit with her she informed me that something I never thought would be possible for me, was in fact possible-it's not something I'm ready for yet, but the thought of being able to have children of my own died when I found I was sick, but she says it's possible. I know have a new hope that some day waaaaaay down the line I could be a mother.

When I was first diagnosed six years, I remember being terrified and the whole story of how my sickness was even discovered made matters worse. I remember the doctors telling my parents they had to be praying people because I was sick that there was no real reason physically for me to be there that part of insides were that far gone. I was scared, terrified rather. More than anything I prepared to die. I didn't know if this as something that I would ever be "normal" again & I won't. There's not a cure, just our medication that makes it's tolerable.

Soon after I was diagnosed I received a package in the mail from David Garrard. I didn't know who he was before hand and didn't know what this person was doing sending me something. But the more I looked into the things that were sent, I was encouraged! For the first time I felt that those days of passing out on bathroom floors and constantly being exhausted, there was excitement. Because here was someone whose story was so similar to mine-thought we were suffering a stomach bug, went in for a routine doctor visit and the next thing you know you're being hospitalized and rushed into surgery. Fast forward a few years and he just completed a season with the New York Jets. This man has been a major encouraging factor in my personal battle.

It's why when someone realizes that I do have a sickness that has no cure and doesn't realize it that I don't feel the least bit upset. It encourages me to know that all the pain that I'm feeling day in and day out, all the struggles that this silent sickness gives me and how I portray myself does not influences their opinions of me. Most talk about what a hard worker I am and that's a major compliment.

Nevertheless, Several people with autoimmune diseases get very upset because people don't understand and want to give them a hard time or claim they aren't really sick but I ask guys, rather than get upset...be encouraged because you're doing good they can't even tell it. This means that rather than letting CD get the best of you, you're working hard to get the best of it.

You're picking up those feet no matter how much they hurt and you're pushing yourself through every single painful step. You're sometimes having to stop and physically tell your hands & legs to move. But you are doing such an amazing job at it and showing how strong you actually are when others make these comments.

So to the person who said they felt bad tonight, please...do not feel bad. Please know that you reminded me that I'm strong . That I'm doing ok and above all not showing any signs of weakness.

Just Breath & Enjoy!

This is a new month, but it's defiantly not the first day of this new month of this new year. Like most things in life, it takes me a little bit to get on the move or have things click in my mind. Every New Years on the first day of the year we see the "New Year New Me" line...but for me this year, I wasn't going to fall into that because to be honest, what's so terribly wrong with the old me & my life?

So, I'm going to take just a few short minuets to write my first blog of the year to make who ever reads my blogs aware that some changes that will be made in my writing. No more of this "Starting Over, Yet Again" business because...we cannot just "start over". Whatever happened that you didn't like, learn to deal with it and not let define or break up. Pick up and begin now to make the ending the best yet.

The reason for this mind change...simple, mindfulness. I stopped looking at the past wishing all the painful things that occurred had not occurred. I stopped all the planning and never doing and started looking at the people and things that I have in my life: family, friends (their children), my co-workers, my dogs, my home, two jobs (when most struggle to find one), a car, and the needs of my life that are being met every day no matter what I do.  And I told myself, stop looking for the change and ENJOY what you have right in front of you. I've got some awesome people in my life & anyone who knows me knows I think my dogs are the most awesome things that have graced our planet.

In case you are unaware of what "mindfulness" actually is, it's simply becoming aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different.  Enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes-it always changes and dealing with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way-because just like the pleasant; it too will always change.

The Caged Bird (My favorite blog I've ever wrote.)

If there is one thing I will not do right now is be fake, put on a smile, put on my big girl undies, and say everything is “ok” because…frankly…that is just not being real or in my ‘current moment.’

See; in reality…I’m hurting. My heart is breaking so loud that it makes ice bergs seem like a twig snapping. In fact, I cried out so loud to God last night that the neighbor turned on her light. (I guess crying out loud to God is a bit scary at 2am). The beautiful part of this is what I’m opting to do with my pain. In the past I’ve turned to certain addictions or things that would feed these addictions rather than dealing with the pain and just “being real” with God.  

He calls us to a one-on-one relationship with Him and so often, we look at it as just a one way…”Thank you God for this day, my family, my friends….yada yada yada relationship”….those are good prayers-if you are three. But being 31-years of age, it’s time for even lil ol’ me to grow up and realize that there is more to this “personal relationship with God thing” than just thanking Him for the good things in my life. And to be real honest and in my current moment, right now my hurt is so deep that I can’t see past the hurt to see the good things-it doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for them or for the ways that the Lord has blessed me or that I am not aware of what He has done for me, it just means that there is a current problem and I gotta get it dealt with RIGHT NOW with Him. 

That’s where the two way street comes into play. I’ve ALWAYS been a person with a plan and any little thing that disturbs that plan greatly disturbs me and throws me so far off track that I can’t even begin to start over with a new plan. And so, I let the simple fact that someone or something changed a plan on me disrupt me and my whole being that I throw in the towel, call it a day, and head to bed. I refused to seek a new plan or ask direction from anyone much less seek Gods’ wisdom…See a repeating pattern here “I” Yep…it’s been all about me and my plan, not about what God’s plans are!

Jeremiah 29:11 says ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 This verse tells me so much…

Number 1. STOP WORRYING! God has it under control…I don’t need to plan it or figure out the ending prior to the current moment because God has the ending and in His reality it’s already His past.

Number 2: GIVE UP! Give up my ideas, my will, my plan, my desires and all the things ”I” want and see there is a much bigger picture than what I could ever want and by me thinking of only me, I’m  stunning Gods growth for my life. (Notice I didn’t say, “stunning Gods plan” because I’m seeing that God’s gonna do what He’s gonna do, whether or not I’m on board...if I’m not on that boat, then I miss out. He’s going on without me and will get His plan worked.)

Number 3: HE DECLARES!   Declare: verb declare; 1.say something in a solemn and emphatic manner.

synonyms:	proclaim, announce, state, reveal, air, voice, articulate, express, vent, set forth, publicize, broadcast; More informal come out with, shout from the rooftops
Synonyms:	assert, maintain, state, affirm, contend, argue, insist, hold, profess, claim, avow, swear; More

       So, this declare is the same as an announcer over a loud speaker at football stadium yelling “FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOUR LIFE” “HELLO!!! I KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! TRUST ME!!!” If the Lord is declaring it…it has to be important!

Number 4: Prosper=Growth!   God wants me to grow in many ways. I’ve never looked at this verse as in a financial sense, it’s been something deeper, like he’s trying to obtain something deep within me that allows those around me to see Him through me. He wants me to deal with this pain so I can mature and grow from it. I plan to be as tall as a tree when this pain is over. 

Number 5: NO HURT!   He doesn’t have plans to harm us. However;  we are usually so selfish that we end up in situations that require us to be pruned and that means, that things will get cut out of our lives, causing a great deal of pain. We get on this path of “Everything is good…I won’t rock anyone’s boat…including Gods, I’m not gonna pray right now, or read my Bible, I’ll do that later”-Later never comes for me, until the things that I love dearly are suddenly jerked from me and left me clinging to my pillow crying out with a heart so heavy and broken that the neighbors get wake up and the dogs go running to hide.   

Number 6: HOPE!        What’s causing me so much hurt right now, is not knowing what is going on with someone else, not being allowed in and feeling like it’s my right to know, it’s my right to be a part of what’s going on (again with the “MY” it’s all about me attitude!). However, a part of me fears that I’ve found that majestic bird, which I believe soared higher than all others and endured the longest and highest flights and I’ve forced it to sink into despair by placing it in a cage, where it is forced to helplessly beat it’s wings against it’s prison bars-with a bowed head and drooping wings, it is a sad picture of the sorrow of inactivity. But there is a hope inside me that knows that was never my intention to do, that it was never something I wanted to cage or harm or see sad. However; over the past five years, I’ve watched that bird slowly become the one with a bowed head and dropping wings and for whatever reason, I just keep wanting to keep it in a cage, perhaps, I’m terrified of what might happen if it’s let out and I’m terrified that my heart will get severely broken- But…funny things is….not only am I now broken, so is the bird. So I’ve not caused not only me harm and stripped my own hope, I’ve stripped the hope this wonderful being that I know could do anything in this world because I believe in them.  There is a sense of hope in knowing that no matter what we break or cage up God can fix it and set it free to fly.

Number 7: FUTURE:    I heard it said today…”Our future is Gods’ past” it’s true, if He formed us before we were born and knew what our path would be then it’s already in His past. Here is where I’ve got to apply the lesson…. 

My future may be God’s past, but my present is His gift.

I can’t live in my own past faults-no one can. Those things are there and done and no matter how hard or how good you are, you absolutely cannot undo what’s been  done. The future is something that I need to stop stressing over because God has DECLARED it that He’s got it and I just gotta STOP trying to fix it or trying to make it work. If it’s not going to work…it’s not going to work no matter how much fixing I do!  The future isn’t mine to know or mine to worry about…I just need to deal with the “right nowness” and the future will work it’s self out.

Dear God:

 You and only you know my heart and my deepest pains, sufferings, dreams and hopes. You and only you know that my intent was to never cage a majestic bird and beat it down in a prison until it is filled with sorrow. Lord, God, please hear my cries and help me understand your plans and what I must do. I surrender this pain to you and know that only you can make the broken parts workable.

In Jesus Name-

Amen

But I (Don't) Wanna Be a Princess

Ever heard or seen the entire Princess propaganda and think…GAG ME?!?! You’re not alone; I’m right there with you waiting for my bag to throw-up in.

I’ve NEVER been a girly girl. I’ve always kept that side of me hidden unless, I was either alone in my own home and could watch Princess and The Frog or if I was babysitting because I think little girls should grow up to expect beautifulness in their lives.

It wasn’t until recently a wild thought cross my mind about myself…. I’m a princess. Halt! Slam on the breaks! STOP (Spin tires on pavement!) I’m not a princess!!! I’ve never: had a bumper sticker that said “Obey the princess”, a necklace in unreadable writing with “princess” scribbled across a chain, or ever owned a single pink, furry, glittery, leopard (besides Malvern Leopards) printed item, or anything that remotely said “princess” or that would tie me to it. I’ve MIGHT have worn a tiara a time or two playing dress up with kids, loved New Kids on the Block, and have a major love for all things hot pink but even still for as long as I can remember, I’ve never been the girly girl princess type. Oh, and I don’t even like kittens…they freak me out! Give me a big ol’ dog I can rough house with.

I was the opposite; the roll your sleeves up, let’s play in the dirt, pull my hair up in a pony tail, run with the boys in a pair of work boots and jeans, and get muddy kind of girl. There was nothing glamorous about that. And when I got older and into the 90’s I was in love with baggy skater jeans, all things plaid, and grunge look. I was severely sad when plaid pj bottoms were taken off the dress code list in high school…and will add my current obsessed with black nail polish to the list.

Once in a counseling session for something a counselor told me that my “need to be masculine” was suppressing some traumatic events that occurred when I was a child and this was my way to shield myself from allowing anyone to see me as a feminine woman. That was my first visit…and my last with her. Because, while certain events did happen in my life as a child, it doesn’t mean that my strong dislike for kittens and all things pale pink princess related are due to my fear of someone seeing me as a woman. 

It’s also made me re-watch old movies, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Princess and the Frog, Mulan and multitude of others with fresh eyes and new thoughts.

Cinderella-she had to listen to two of her step-siblings nag her about all the things they needed, she was locked up in an attic unless she was working, she finished her duties in a dutiful way and gathered all the scraps from her sisters dresses and made her-her own dress (or the mice did!) but then the sisters rip it off her leaving her in a greater amount of rags than before. 

Sleeping Beauty was most likely cursed by the whole town because once the wicked fairy puts her spell over on her, the king forbids spinning on spinning-wheels or spindles, or the possession of one, throughout the kingdom. She was still led right to one and faced her fate of the wicked fairy and thus begins her sleeping for 100 hundred years-until the Prince finds her and awakens her with his kiss. 

Snow White was sent off with the huntsmen to have her heart cut out, happens upon a cabin full of seven dwarf men who she ends up taking care of. (That alone makes me huff! And I’m not even married woman.) She’s then tricked into eating an apple out of the goodness of her heart by the wicked queen and she too is left to sleep until the curse is lifted by true loves kiss. 

Princess and The Frog-won my heart over with the modern story of a girl “princess” who puts all her hard work into something, gives up and sacrifices things that most girls her age wouldn’t so she can fulfill a dream. She wasn’t noticed until she accidently puts on a friends fancy dress and tiara. Talk about a slap in the face! The aloof prince who was tricked by the Voodoo Man earlier and was now a talking frog; thinks that this girl really is a princess and request her kiss in exchange for money to help pay towards her dream. She ends turning her into a frog herself by giving in and kissing the frog. This sends them on a journey ride through the bayou on a talking trumpet-playing alligator to Mama Odies house-can you tell this is my favorite story. It wasn’t until the two could see each other for which they were themselves and as each other in their frog likeness did they actually turn into the human form.

We have Mulan who was just an awesome fighter, end of story in my book... And it was there that I learned that maybe there is something I’m missing along with the rest of the world about being a “princess” because I’m pretty sure that the harsh moment with reality…”Good thing you don’t like princesses because you couldn’t handle being one!” and then the second thought…”But you are a princess-a child of the mightiest King of all, the King of Kings!”

I would have flipped my lid at any of these situations! I couldn’t handle cleaning up after others with the gentleness of some of these, the only one that could probably do, because I’m just accident prone would be prick my finger on a spinning wheel and sleep for 100 years-but even then, I’m sure I’d wake up ever so impatiently on day one for my prince and end up kissing a frog and then be stuck in frog form for 100 years! There is no way I could have put on armor and fought in a battle like a man as did Mulan. Each of these women were not the pink princess that Disney makes them out to be. Even Bell in Beauty and the Beast, was a book nerd!

Also, for those who do love kittens and "princess" gear...hate to break it to you but it's not about "obey the princess" and getting everything you want. That would be more of the wicked stepmother, fairy, or witch roll if you really think about it. And it makes me wonder just when and where how all this changed over the years to become "All about Me Princess"

God has put into all of his children, whether you are male or female for either the sense of an adventure and to be a part of something bigger (women) or the sense of something (one) to fight for (men). These girls were roll your sleeves back and lets dig into the mud…but they had something I don’t often have, they had a smile and joy in their trials. They had something that put them on the path with a great adventure and required a man who they didn’t ask to want to help them in their current situations, want to help them, to fight for them.

May we become women, Gods true “princesses” who have a joy in our hearts on days when we have to roll back our sleeves to do the tough dirty work and men who want to fight for the beauty that we see before us. May we encourage our men to stand up to fight and show respect for these women who are strong and out seeking adventure. May we encourage out little girls what being a REAL PRINCESS is about and show them that it’s about being joyful in your hard time, about being loving towards others when you don’t want to be, about being patient when you are ready to jump on board. Had being a princess been presented to me that way it might not make me cringe at this point.

Dear God-

So, often, I’m lead to believe that I am having to take on more than what a single woman in her 30s should have to take on alone, but I know that each trial, tribulation, trouble, and hardship that requires me to roll back my sleeves and dig in is something that I just should have to do. Please help me to remember to have joy and be pleasant, to remember that You are using these things to shape me into a woman who is stronger in her faith and has a more grounded understanding when those around me need someone to understand them. Help me to stop pressing those feelings that I don’t want to be “princess” as an excuse to not step out in faith and start those journeys that you for me. Help me become a beauty worth finding and a beauty worth fighting for.

In Jesus Holy Name-

Amen.

Beauty...it's a Beast

Beauty…Part 1

Dear God, I ask that any and all who read this will develop a burden for this topic. Eyes and ears to be open, hearts broken if they need to be, hearts mended for healing, and minds that will become aware of this cry. Please keep us humble and help us find our confidence in You and You alone. Amen

This morning’s topic is very near and dear to me, so I would like to take my time and set this up in a multiple part series blog topic. I am not sure at the moment just how many post will be towards this topic, but it will be as many as it takes.  

Beauty:  noun: beauty; plural noun: beauties

1.    1. a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, esp. the sight.

"I was struck by her beauty"

§  a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral sense.

synonyms:		attractiveness, prettiness, good looks, comeliness, allure; More loveliness, charm, appeal, eye-appeal, heavenliness; winsomeness, grace, elegance, exquisiteness; splendor, magnificence, grandeur, impressiveness, decorativeness; gorgeousness, glamour; literary beauteousness, pulchritude "the beauty of the scenery"
antonyms:	ugliness

§  denoting something intended to make a woman more attractive.

modifier noun: beauty

"beauty products"

2.    2. a beautiful or pleasing thing or person, in particular. 

Psalm 139:14   I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Anyone who knows me…knows that I am very sarcastic, funny, and always the jokester….but those same people know that deep down, I have the same insecurities as any other female. They also know that I heart and passion for teen girls and how they see themselves in the world. I’ve always felt a need to reach out and try to be there for them as I too was one of them.  So as I’m writing this, please dear hearts know that I sympathize with you. I know that pain you feel when you see yourself in the mirror. I know the longing you feel to be told you are beautiful, and know that in every aspect you compare yourself to other females. I also know that you’ve probably hit your knees a multiple times as I have and asked for God to give you and to restore that confidence in you through Him. 

Recently a friend and I were talking and she mentioned how ugly she felt after having her three kids. This mother is absolutely stunning to me! Inside as well as out, yes, she may have aged and she may no longer feel like she looks hot and toned in a bikini...but she still takes care of herself and has the most wonderful inner beauty.  Since there is always a need for comic relief I had to say…”Well think about Psalm 139:14…God had to give warning on me! He had to just let me and the world know that I was made out of fear! You know He had to be like...’well, do I hit send on this one or just hold her in the “draft” folder? Is the world really ready for this one? I’m scared!’ I bet I scared God!” 

While it got a laugh out of her and made her mood better, it still hit home with me on different levels. Here was a woman that I found beautiful on many levels and I know her husband still finds her stunning but what makes her thinks this? What drives our need to feel and be beautiful and why if that need is not met by human kind does she often feel anything less? 

My Personal Beauty Story

Personally, I never gave my own looks much thought until I got into Jr. High (seventh grade, first pep rally, in the gym by the boys locker room, where the seventh graders had to sit-yes…I could tell you exactly what I had on.) My group of “friends” were either, pomp squad members, cheerleaders, or band kids. I never had a desire to be a pomp squad member, cheerleader and I was really into choir-so I usually ended up sitting alone. I honestly thought this group of girls was my friends but I was sadly in for a very rude awaking as I soon found out that I was the joke of many of their jokes.  

I’m not sure where it went wrong. I find it hard to believe that they were ever truly my friends at that time due to how quickly they became “mean girls” to me. I was asked to carry backpacks to the gym, as we had lunch right after, well, me being the great friend that I tend to be…loaded up, carried all these bags to the gym and sat and watched. It wasn’t until someone knocked over one of the bags and a notebook fell out and out of that notebook, a sheet of paper that would forever change my life, fell out.

The sheet was talking about how I was a “fat blob that followed them around” and asked what was the best way to get me to leave them alone…I could have told them that the best was to do that was to let me read that, because I got up from that area, left their bags and I’m not sure I ever confronted them or talked to them on a real level again. The sad part…I was not fat, I look back at pictures from those days and think,” I thought I was fat? I look like I have an eating disorder! “

I was done.
I was a loner.
I didn’t need friends.
I was lonely…and I too started looking for a way out becaus it seemed easier than facing day in and day out.

I became depressed and essentially started to see myself as the “fat blob” (and still do to this day), I would go right to class, not talk to anyone, spent my lunch in the bathroom because I saw myself as fat and didn’t dare eat until I got home. I spend the remainder of the year there, going right home after school. I didn’t participate in any after school activities and I never attended any games or dances.  It wasn’t until that next summer, that I had with a “safe group” of friends did I finally start to come out of my shell. You can ask my friends from youth group…they seen this utterly shy girl turn into a wild child over summer break!  (Not wild in the bad sense…yet!)  

That next school year and up until my senior year of high school, I spent lunches with my best friend and other church friends. They were a group of male and females that I still hold very dear to this day.  While, even then I never got over the fact that I was once thought of as the fat blob and even to this day, I feel like others think of me that way…that I’m a person who follows them around or pushes myself upon them.  But, the greatest thing, I could go home and not have to think about it. I could get away from feeling bad about myself for a few hours when I was with my church friends.  I had a “get away” a “resting place” that I could retreat to. 

Today 

Sadly…today, girls do not. My heart breaks for girls who are adolescents in today’s time. Times may have changed but it hasn’t changed for the better…and to be honest, I believe that I had it a lot better than these poor souls do. 

In exchanging emails to a teen girl a few years ago that seemed so run down, she told me “I can’t get away from it. It’s everywhere. I go to school and it’s the mean girls against me, I go home and my parents favor my sister who is a cheerleader over me, I get on the computer and Facebook, Twitter and Instagram is full of these girls posting mean remarks about me, I dream about it when I go to sleep, only to wake up the next day and repeat this. I can’t even get away from it at church because these same girls are in my youth group. I want to stop going but my parents will not let me. So when my parents drop me off I hide in an empty room with my Bible until they pick me up, I try to get out a few minutes before hand so no one will see me and say anything. I can’t wait until I start driving myself so I don’t have to go at all. I will just pretend I’m going. They think that by me going to church it will make things better but all it’s doing it making things worse. I can’t keep going on and I really do want to find a way out of all this pain. ”  

This…my friends…hurts me to my core. It actually made me cry for her.  I reached out through the years to help her the best I could and eventually I suppose she learned to put that mask on that we all as women learn to put on and things seemed to be going really well for her but the sad truth is that it all became more than she could handle and she never seen graduation.  What is so wrong with us as adult Christian women that we are allowing those younger than us to make other women feel this way? Why are we not reaching out to stop this behavior and be better mentors?  Why are we not telling them that there is a better way than “out”?

                Can I answer this with a question…Thanks… 

How can we be those mentors when, we, as these adult Christian women, are feeling the same way?  

We wake up in the morning dreading it. Most of us set the tone for our day before our feet even hit the floor  because we feel we have to check our Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and maybe even Pintrest or MyFitnessPal-automatically we are greeted with things that drive our insecurities.   

We get up already feeling defeated, look in our closets for the best looking outfit, shoes, and bag, we fix our hair, put on our makeup, and spray on the perfume, we get in our cars to drive to work  and there we are greeted with other women who are better performers than us, who get promotions over us, who are in better shape than us, who drive better cars, who have higher heels, who have the latest bag, who can afford to have her hair done weekly, who seems to have it all together. 

We spend our days comparing ourselves to each other and dwelling on our own insecurities. Only to go home to face the men in our lives and feel that he too notices all these things about other women and prefers them over the woman that is standing before him. Your child says what neat things that Bobby’s mom did for him and you wonder if your children would rather have a different mom. Your dog plays with your husband and you think even the dog can’t love you like you are….you too go to bed and dream of these things only to get up on a Sunday morning and compare yourself to the women at church.  

Sister Liz sits in the congregation and cannot focus on the sermon for the following thoughts…“ I don’t pray enough, I don’t lead a Sunday School class, I don’t volunteer enough, I don’t do this or that…is that a runner in my hose? Oh no, it is…I best Sister Sally never has a runner in her hose! She’s always so put together…I know my husband wishes I was more like her and more of a spiritual woman like her. I bet she never raises her voice to him or their kids. She’s always pleasant looking and acting.” 

Meanwhile, Sister Sally is thinking…”Why is she staring at me? I know she can tell I had to put on so much make up to cover the black eye my husband gave me from his drinking binge last night. I know everyone here knows about it. I’m a laughing stock of this church and community. He’s having an affair, I just know it. I can’t really blame him, after all these kids why would he ever want me again. That’s why he drinks because I’m such an awful person…he drinks to get away from me.”  

See….we ALL have our own battles and struggles with insecurities.  I do not know a Sister Liz (while I’ve felt like her many a times) nor do I know a Sister Sally personally, but I know you are out there.  My purpose in writing on this topic is to gain confidence and deal with some of my own insecurities and focus more on the second part or Psalm  139:14   “…wonderfully made…”   I hope to encourage other women to step out and comment on this post and tell your personal experience with this and hope that other women too will gain understanding that they are wonderfully made despite of any physical appearance, emotional state or where they are at spiritually.  

Our hearts as women are so precious, so delicate, so tender and so so so dear to God. He does not want us feeling these things and above that He doesn’t want us living in a life full of unhappiness of what He made in His image. He wants us to seek our need for this beauty from Him.

Genesis 1:27 (NIV) ²⁷ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

We really shouldn’t be so unhappy about ourselves that we compare how God made us to others who are comparing how God made them.  I hope to encourage those of all ages to help me and their selves as we seek to find our true beauty in Christ. As well as; get advice from women who are older on this topic. We really have to come together on this because our youth for today…are hurting. They are in great danger of feeling unloved and unbeautiful based on worldly assumptions. They are being influenced by outside worldly sources that are telling them that a certain size, shape, brand, hair style, or style of dress is what makes them beautiful. These girls are grow up, go to college, get married, start family, and become US! These girls are doing all of this never knowing what true beauty is.

Please take the time to think and comment on this with any suggestions or anything that you think would be beneficial. Male or female…it would be interesting to hear any thoughts on the subject.

Dear Awesome God-I thank you for laying this topic on my heart so heavily here of late. I do not know what you want me to do with it but I am going to embrace this topic and do all I can to bring it to light for the women of who are Your children to come together, embrace their beauty and take a stand against the worlds definition of beauty. I beg of you Lord, to please protect these hearts of young girls and heal their hurts as they seek out this definition of being wonderfully made. I pray that other Christian women become encouraged to step out in faith and reach out to the youth to be a mentor that can honestly look at these girls with understanding. I pray Lord that you heal our hurts and wounds as adult women and help us remember that we were made in Your image and that we need to rejoice in the fact that You made us just how you wanted us. There are many of us who are doing things to ourselves mentally, emotionally, as well as physically that are damaging us inside and out-please Lord, help us to stop doing these things in the name of worldly beauty and to start seeking you for healing.

Amen.

I settled for a "Slow Down"

This will be short and very sweet or as sweet as I can personally be-and those who know me know this can be a stretch.

This weekend I realized more than a few things. See recently my guy and I went away on a little trip. He spent a lot of the time golfing and I spent a lot of time...doing...well NOTHING. There was shopping one day but other than that while he was golfing I simply enjoyed the time just being.

I caught up on my addiction to Pretty Little Liars. Started reading a new noval.
Slept. A lot.

One thing I tried to refrain from was the constant checking of Facebook or other forms of social media but I was still checking once a day.

On this trip I realized more than a few things.
1.) My body requires more sleep-I know this because we only had two really late night only one of which that was spent 'out'.
2.) I wanted to share everything on media! (More on this later.) But I have my phone CONSTANTLY and to be honest after this trip, I find myself repulsed by it!
3.) No matter what we think-we ALL need a 'slow down' and a reminder that life isn't meant to be lived behind a FB, Twitter, or IG feed. You can share all those quotes you want but unless you're out there living-REALLY living them they can't mean too much.

I'm very thankful to have gotten to go on the trio and be allowed a break from my every day norm. It was very well needed.